“By convention hot, by convention cold, by convention color, but in reality atoms and void.”
You are wanted. You are necessary. You are the only you there is. Don’t be afraid to leave the castle. -j. n.
the daffodil knows more of spring / than roses know of anything
what if she knew the words to say?
what if she said them anyway?
It’s January 6, 2018, I just can’t help but look back to the awful yet eventful year that passed. Whew, let’s see what that bitch life has done to me.
Red January. 12 months ago I’m pretty positive that I was in love in a way. Or I thought I was. I discovered that I express my feelings insanely too much, which I swear, is not a good thing. I was such a girl. But whatever. It made me feel so alive. I am quite grateful for it by the way. I miss love – love of that kind. I miss it. I’m surprised though that it never left a hole in me (or perhaps it did, but it’s long gone now).
Orange February. Orange disgusts me, the color not the fruit. Feb was so awful, just like that, it got me broken. Luckily, the brokenness lasted only for 2 weeks. Starting February 14 to 14 days later, I was a fucking mess. The world let me down, he let me down. But that’s okay because in one of those fourteen days, I got to jog for the first time and the last time in 2017. I was healthy for a day. That day my heart was beating for me, not for anybody else.
Grey March. Sometimes I forget that grey is a color, and gray is a color, too. There is an actual difference as the computer sees it. I guess I spent the third month coding, or mapping.
Maroon April. I suppose maroon is one of my favorite colors now. Could be. I bought two UP shirts, gave them to Vance & Mama. UP shirts are extremely expensive, can I just say. So anyway, my dad went home in April, therefore I so love April. It was fun, we got a family photo – the five of us.
Yellow May. Two-week off began a few days before May ends. I made watercolor paintings mostly. Lovely month.
_____ June. I can’t assign a color yet. Halfway through, my plot twist came. I realize this now. My year’s highlight wasn’t always supposed to be in December, because twas destined to happen 5 months earlier. You see, I got my friend who is also my long-time crush back. Years of no talking finally ended. The little void which was always there deep beneath for years, I don’t sense it now. Do you have any idea how lighter that feels?
Blue July. Rainy, rainy. Water droplets creating the perfect rhythm through our roofs. I sort of made a song.
Green August. Green all over. The trees along my favorite road. The cattleya notebook. The grids of a graphing paper. University life was exhausting, they all kicked off here. I thought it was never-ending. I’m glad I was wrong. Of course I was.
Lavender September. Do I remember September? Actually I do not.
OCTOBER. Fun fact, I totally missed October. Meaning, I forgot to include this month the first time, hence, this edit. How can one possibly omit a calendar month?
Pink November. The color choice is irrelevant. November was 30 days of irregularity. I can’t make up my mind: either I was depressed, or hopeful, or maybe both. There was a lot of crying, and holding on. I thank myself for never letting go, that’s a fact. It was a hard time, I had little faith. I did a lot of quitting in the past, but this time, I passed. It’s so fucking worth it! Thank you Vanessa for having a little faith, the universe felt it, too.
Red December. 2017 started being red, and it ended with the same color. What can I say? December, awfully perfect!!! Best vacation ever!!!! Topped last last year’s!!!! I say nothing more. (I love you Ma, I love you Nanay, I love you Vance, I love you Tita, and Paul, and Jc, and Dave! Always, always.)
My 2017 is hashtag ffffff. Fuckity raised to six? I think not. It is white. It is all colors of the spectrum reflected off my awesome sometimes terrible no good lovely life.
I hope yours is EFFFFFFFFIIINNNNNNNNN VIBRANT, TOO,
Tiny bits of earth tickle me
As I walk past the little yellow lights
Playing crown for the queen palm
I am thinking of the mint coffee mug
On my small wooden study table;
Of Ferris Wheel rides; and spontaneous
shopping at seven-eleven store
I am sniffing the welcoming scent
Of the pillow fabric back in my room
Yet I keep on walking; now the sole
Of my feet pressed upon the still
Warm touch of the muddy brick path
I am now thinking Greece on fair
Sunday mornings, embraced in
Billie Holiday’s jazz – it’s charming
I listen to the wind whisper all
The petty little yearnings of mankind
I make up sweet longing voices
That went on for a while until
My ears are flushed and my soul
Choked up –
One just couldn’t wish so much –
(to be continued…)